So good. I might try detoxing now lol
Down December was probably one of the best decisions I made in 2020. Taking a full month to take a break from social media and refocus on reality really worked wonders for my mental health. I thought it was going to be much harder than it actually was, but turns out it’s much easier to be happy when you’re not bombarded everyday with the toxicity that comes with the internet.
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They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Well, I say it depends how high the branches are from the ground.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m on the lowest branch.
Everything above me seems so crisp and clean.
But here I am, being bumped by human heads and scavenged on by insects.
How how great would it be to live closer to the sun? I wouldn’t mind if my skin grew black and fell off..
I just want to feel.
For once I fall off this branch, I will hit the bottom I already feel so close to.
I will smash and rot and all will be left are my seeds.
And then you came along.
I was the closest to your reach so you grabbed me with ease.
I thought ‘how delightful.’
I was chosen of every other deserving Apple.
I wondered how I would be used,
In an apple pie..
Dipped in the sweetest of caramel..
Grazed by your hungry lips.
But I was placed in a bowl with other fruit.
I no longer felt so special.
You took and took from this bowl,
Until I was alone again.
And as my skin grew black and fell off,
I was just happy that for a moment
You placed me by the sunshine.
& I felt home.
My body senses you before you arrive.
After all these days, I thought I shook that inevitable feeling.
But how wrong was I.
My heart woke me up from a brutal scream, and I had the urge to burn that law of attraction note.
The one where you ask for forgiveness,
and ask me to marry you.
I exfoliate the memory of you off my skin and down the drain.
I text that guy who is really sweet and probably should be preoccupying my thoughts.
And I kind of felt better, but;
I keep finding your shit everywhere..
I quietly beg the universe to make it stop.
Please..
Please.
Not another article of clothing.
Not another piece of mail.
Not another photo or prescription bottle..
If not you.. No more.
And just when I think it’s over.. I check my phone.
You ask if I’m okay.
Nate has had more freedom since he’s been in his sober living home for a few months. I’ve missed him so much. I thought about him all day.
I wasn’t expecting any visitors today, but I’m glad he came. He entered my room. He set up a movie. We were talking and cuddling and laughing for a while. Then he gets silent and he stares into my eyes as we are laying face to face and he caresses my arm.
Him: you’re different.
Me: what do you mean? How so?
Him: you just are. I can’t explain it.
He runs his hands along my cheeks and jaw; grabs me and kisses me ever so softly. He’s running his hands through my hair. I pull away.
Me: you look good. I’ve missed you.
Him: I’ve missed you too.
We kiss and it intensified by 1000. We kissed for what seemed like forever. He slowly moved his hands along my whole body.
Him: is this okay?
Me: yes.
He unhooked my bra and slid it off of me. Every movement and touch was delicate; like he was undressing a flower. He turned over on top of me and kissed my lips, forehead, neck, shoulders.. Breasts. He inched down slowly and found that sweet spot between my legs and damn near drove me out of my mind. I leaned up and grabbed him and kissed him. His lips were drenched of me and it taste so sweet.
He sat up and pulled my dress over my head and I laid him on his back.
I made my way down his torso and he let me take control with my mouth. Deep, hard, and sensual. He pulled me up on top of him and in one swift movement, he entered me. I gasped for air, for it was pleasurable and painful. Something I was so used to before entered me as something so unfamiliar.
Him: are you okay?
Me: yes.. It just hurt a little.
Him: just say when.
He stilled inside of me and proceeded to kiss me. After a moment I whispered “I’m ready”
He slowly moved inside me and our bodies were completely in sync. We couldn’t keep our lips off each other. He then rolled over on top of me, his body pressed against mine, and thrust hard and deep. He growled and I couldn’t help but cry out and I didn’t care who heard. I clawed at his back for dear life, for he showed no mercy. The love we were making was so different from anything we’ve ever done. It was almost as if for a moment, the icy heart I so much gotten used to was melting away. I felt something for the first time in a long time and tears streamed down my face.. He wiped them away and smothered me in a kiss.
I rolled over on top of him and leaned back so one hand rested on his thigh and my other played with my clit while he pushed further and further. I felt myself cuming and I begged him to cum with me. He pulled me down to him and wrapped his arms around me and thrust hard and fast.. Just how he knows to do when I’m climaxing and I came with full force and he came inside me. Our bodies went limp and he held me for a long while and just kissed me.
We rolled over and just laid silent in each other’s arms. 5pm came and he had to get back to the house. As he packed his things, I felt the glacier in my chest reforming.
Him: I wish I didn’t have to go.
Me: me too.
I sat on the bed and he stood between my legs and kissed my forehead.
Him: I love you
Me: I love you.
I walked him to the door. We kissed. Promised to call each other, and he disappeared.
Life is like monsters inc. when one door slams in your face, there are millions of worlds and adventure waiting behind another. Don’t be stuck knocking at the door that shut and won’t open again. Send it away into the archives and bring yourself a new world of happiness. It’s all yours. You control it day by day.
All you have to do is turn the knob.
You’re a monster
I hope you know that.
I’m pretty sure you’re sure of that.
Is that why it was so easy?
To breath fire on the heaven we so tenderly built?
To watch everything burn to the ground,
While I was in the middle of it?
Your cowardice shows no mercy.
You’re heart is empty.
Knowing this I still loved you.
Even though the Gods banished you and warned me to stay away,
I pulled you from your own hell.
I wanted the light to touch you,
And the touch of the heat from your world to bring me alive again.
But my love didn’t mean that much to you,
You’d rather burn than fly with me…
Well, burn then.
I hope the gallows greet you with grace.
Mark my words,
No matter where you go or what you do,
I will be there.
With every brush of the wind on your cheek,
With every ray of light on your flesh,
You’ll feel me.
I will build back everything you destroyed,
And dance on the ashes you sought.
You’ll be sorry,
Monster.
I’m very prideful. Over the course of years, I have come to learn how to mask the fact that I’m overwhelmingly depressed. I was never the person to express my love all the time, but you would know by my actions. It hurts when you let go and feel.. & everything you fear comes to surface. When I sit alone across from everything that would rip my soul to pieces.. without my bottle of wine, I feel naked. I’m vulnerable. Simply, I am helpless when it comes to myself. I am my worst enemy. All these things in my life are happening and I should be so happy. That’s not to say that I’m not grateful, but I don’t give a shit about any of it. The one thing that made me happy was you. I guess I wasn’t ready for that type of happiness, so the universe took you away from me when I needed you the most. & I feel so alone. Darkness keeps creeping up on me, and I’m gagged trying to scream for help.. My reflection has a black mask on and is ready to gut me. After all that.. I weep in silence. I brace myself for the inevitable because I’d rather die than be by myself.
But then I keep waking up in the morning to face another day of covering my face in plastic. To walk with my head held high and smile because that’s what I’m told to do. If I don’t, this world will eat me alive and leave nothing but the skeletons I tried so hard to hide in my closet.
Help me. Please. I don’t know where else to run. I’m invisible and nobody knows I’m even here.
But you did. Just promise me when this world has shaped you into who you’re meant to be.. You will come find me and save me from my own hell. I know you will be strong enough. I will draw strength from whoever you are and maybe you’ll love me too.
“Just say the word and I won’t go.”
The words taunting me this very moment. I’m looking around our bedroom and there’s packed bags and clothes everywhere. Nate is leaving me for a while. There’s things going on in his life he has to take care of before we can really be happy. We aren’t breaking up, but change is in the air.
“Don’t look so sad. I don’t want to go”
I don’t want…
My words trail off; knowing if I say them, I will be taking something away from him that he so truly deserves. Happiness and sobriety. Peace within his family. A peace of mind.
My mood is as the weather is today. Ironically, out of all the days to be cold and grey outside.. It had to be today; adding to the dramatic effect of what’s taking place. Each time he fills up a bag and zips it up, I feel like pieces of my skin are falling off. It’s getting harder and harder to hide my sadness when my body is already naked in its emotional state. I’m dazing off at water bottles, wiping random tears away before he notices them, and admiring his bravery for choosing the path to sobriety. I’ve been sober six months and I know it isn’t easy.
Although our room is a mess now, I wish it would stay that way. For in two hours, our room will be clean and he’ll be gone.. Like nothing ever happened.
I got a fucking parking ticket while sitting in my car. & the woman was such a cunt about it. Like, trying to talk to me and ask questions. I was raised in the valley, but I was about to go straight outta Compton on this fugly wentch. (I was in that movie btw).
I saw red. My soul was blacker than usual. I visualized running her over. I pictured grabbing her by her throat and slamming her fucking face into the windshield. If I didn’t live my car, I would have ran into that piece of shit parking enforcement vehicle to move it out my way, then ran her over.
If Nate hadn’t walked out when he did, I would have assaulted this women for being such a fucking dumb cunt. With her dumb cunt car and her dumb cunt uniform and her dumb cunt hair cut with her dumb cunt glasses.
I’m not violent. I would never do these things. I’m at the gym right now working out all my anger. This is just in my mind at the moment. I hope none of you think I’m crazy. I’m just a bit angry.
She can take that parking ticket and shove it right up her dumb cunt.
BirdsDressedInBlack 